Macaulay Culkin

I have a lot to say. I have a lot to say, but my thoughts are not organized enough to create anything remotely coherent. It would only come out as angry word vomit.

One year for my birthday, a couple of my friends bought me this book by Macaulay Culkin. Yeah, Macaulay Culkin wrote a book. Blew my mind too. They bought it for me because it is full of randomness. It is full of randomness and craziness. Like legit craziness. The guy really was a hot mess. It's actually a good read if you ever need to feel better about your life.

It was after I read that book that I was inspired to write my own book of random craziness. Years later, that is why this blog was started. Who knew Macaulay Culkin would inspire me to write a book. I'm assuming it was therapeutic for him.

I could use something therapeutic.

I Was Here

 

So....remember me? Yeah, I fail at this whole blog thing. In my defense, I have been a bit preoccupied with all the things. You know that whole adulting thing....Yeah. It is disgusting and it freaks me out. Blah.

 

What a journey though. It's crazy how four years can go by so quickly and yet be so full of experiences. I'm not even really sure where to begin or what to say really.

 

Seven years ago, I crawled back home with my head hanging in defeat. I felt like a huge failure crrawling back to mommy and daddy because I was incapable of being a big girl. I'm not even sure that is the right way to look at it. I guess more than anything I had given up on myself. AND where better to wallow in my self pity than Mitchell. That is where my failures started, and that is where my failures ended.

 

Anyway, I came home with my tail tucked between my legs. I needed time to figure out my next move. The plan I had in my head was to go home and work in the "real world" for a little while, save up some money, and then go to film school. I wanted to direct music videos. AND maybe I could've been an excellent director. I will never know, but I'm okay with that. I found something I was truly passionate about, and it was more important to me to pursue this new dream than to pursue something I just kind of happened to be good at.

 

I'm not the most selfless person in the world nor will I ever claim to be; however, I knew that my time in Mitchell needed to mean something. It had to be about something more than just me. I wanted my life to have purpose and meaning. I didn't really realize at the time, at least not fully, the impact my time at home had on my future plans or on the people that surrounded me.

 

I knew my time at home would be spent working with the teens in the MCOC Youth Group, but I also knew that my time could not be limited to one set group of kids. I decided I would start subbing in my local high school. I could go on about that experience for hours, but I will save those memories for myself and my students. It didn't take me long to realize that I was exactly where I needed to be, doing exactly what I should be doing. Those kids changed me. That's all I can really say about that.

 

I knew that I would have to go back to school, but I also knew I wasn't ready to leave my kids yet. I enrolled at Ivy Tech, mainly because that is the only place that would take me. No one accepts a student with a 1.2 GPA. Can't say I really blame them. Anywho....I decided to get my general classes out of the way and to get certified in graphic design. So...I subbed during the day and went to class at night. During that time I was working 3 jobs at a time (4 if you count SADD and subbing separately), and I was in school full time. I'm still not really sure how I pulled off my 3.92 GPA doing all of that, but some how I managed to pull myself up. Though, I did flirt with a couple of my professors. ;) I'm pretty sure I had As in those classes anyway. The flirting was just an added bonus. ;) Anyway, I worked hard to accomplish a goal. Not just for myself but to set an example for my students, and more importantly to set an example for my beloved Mini Me.

 

I then made another plan to attend Lipscomb University for Theatre Education; however, that fell through. That happens a lot when I make plans. They usually don't go the way I envision them in my mind. So there I was, shooting hoops, exhausting my last bit of hope for going to Lipscomb when it hit me.....perhaps there was one last thing I could do. But.....geez....I really didn't want to.

 

I found out on a Sunday that there was no way I would be able to attend Lipscomb. The next day I called USI and asked what we could do to get me back there in the fall semester. The semester started in 2 weeks. I've always kind of sucked with timing. I knew that if I stayed in Mitchell I would never leave. I made the right decision going back home, but staying would have been the end of me. That is why I made the decision I did.

 

I didn't really want to come back to USI. I knew I would have to face my failures, and lets face it no one wants to do that. I also knew that it was something I had to do for myself. I had to prove to myself that I was capable of pulling myself up, and I did just that. I graduated from USI with a 3.42 GPA, which is much better than the 1.2 GPA I had when I left the first time. I worked two jobs, sometimes three, in order to provide for myself while also going to school full time. It has been the most trying four years of my life, but I accomplished what I set out to do and I did it on my own.

 

A lot has changed in life. I "came out" to my friends and family a couple years ago. Their reactions were all pretty much the same: "Yeah....And?" So there is that. I don't really have much to say on that subject other than a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I am who I am. I was created in God's image and I know he loves me. Nothing else really matters when it comes to that.

 

What now? Man, that is the question everyone I come in contact with ask me. I don't know. I know what I want, or I should say I know where I want to be and what I want to be doing. I want to move back to Louisville. That was always the plan. I just got side tracked for about nine years. It's fine. It happens. I'm ready to move back closer to my family. I'm ready to find someone to build a life with. I'm ready to mold young minds. I'm ready for whatever comes my way. Will I for sure end up in Louisville? I don't know. I've learned to accept that things don't always happen the way I want them to, and that is okay. I must keep an open mind and in the end do what is best for me. What is that? I have no clue, but I'm sure I will figure it out. I always do.

 

All I know is that no matter what happens or where I end up, I want to leave an impression. I want to be remembered for the good I have done, the craziness that is me, the love I have shown others, and for the obstacles I have over come. I want the people here to remember me fondly, as I will remember them. I want to leave a legacy.

 

Whatever happens, I will never stop growing.

 

I Was Here-Beyonce