....Past

The following are various things I wrote several years ago. I happened across them and thought I would share. Enjoy!

Over The Rainbow
If I only I had a brain.
If I only I had a heart.
If I only I had courage.
If I could only find my way.

A girl loses herself in her sin and can't find her way out. She becomes so lost that the fantasy becomes real. Becomes truth. Becomes her reality. She is surrounded by her sin, never looking past it to the real reality of her life. It wasn't until she landed where she didn't want to be that she began to realize that she wasn't who she wanted to be. So she sets out on the only path she knows hoping to find answers. Hoping to find her way.

A boy sits alone, confused, scared. Dwelling in his sin because he knows no better. All he knows is pain, suffering, and hurt because that is what he has been shown. However, he has this lingering feeling that there has to be something more but can't figure out what it is. So he sits. Waiting for something or someone to show him the way.

Then comes the girl looking for her answers. She stumbles across this thoughtless boy who seems lost just like her. She learns his story and he learns hers. And they decide to make the journey together rather than alone. Because no one wants to be alone in their sin.

A girl is hiding in the only place she feels safe. Her sin. It’s what she knows and she fears what she does not know. She tries to act brave but her fears are weighing heavy on her. She begins to fear her surroundings. Her sin. She wishes she could be brave enough to conquer her fears. But hasn’t the courage to do so.

While continuing on their misadventure, the two friends come across this scared girl. She shares her story with them, and they agree that this girl should join them on their journey. A journey for answers.

A girl sits wasting away. All she once cared about has disappeared. She has become hard of heart. Closing herself down to the world. She won’t let anyone see who she truly is. Won't let anyone see her heart. But she sees her loneliness consuming her and wants out of her hardened state. She wants freedom, love, and care.

While struggling on the long winding road of explanation, the three come across this careless girl. Stories get exchanged and this final girl joins this group of misfits on their hopeful journey.

The four travel through good and bad. Struggling the whole way. They finally make it to the end of the hard road. They go to the one that they were sent to find, hoping that she will be able to set them right. Give them the answers to their questions. But all they found was disappointment. They had wrapped so much hope into this person to deliver them from their sins, that they lost sight of what the journey really was.

The journey was really about finding themselves. Realizing that they had the brains, the courage, and the heart all along. This journey helped them find their way. Find peace.

(This is a fictional story about a somewhat “real” life. The story of a girl who put all her hope into one thing only to find that the answers did not lie there. They lied with in Christ. In order to find peace she had to find Christ.)

…..This is my story….


Fear
Fear is a funny thing. I mean what is there to fear when you don’t fear death? And why fear death? I mean we don’t really die. Physically yes we die. But our souls go on for eternity. Is that what we fear? Eternity. Why fear eternity when we have an amazing creator who loved us so much that he came to Earth and died just for us? Just for you and me. Seems silly right?

Fear is defined as a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

My soul fears nothing. But my flesh.... My flesh fears everything.

I fear you.
I fear your eyes. They see through me.
I fear the power you have over me.
I fear when the time comes, I won’t be able to walk away.

But my soul knows better. My soul knows that my creator came to save me from all of that. I have no fear because I know that my fears are only surface. I know that there is something deeper within me. Something bigger than you. Bigger than me. Bigger than this life.

Psalms 27:1
The Lord is my light and my salvation whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid?


Glass Valley
My best friend, Ashton, and I went through a trespassing phase. We would take off driving, in any direction, looking for abandoned houses to explore. That worked out well for a while, but the problem came when we decided to go somewhere that wasn’t technically abandoned.
It was spring break of my junior year of high school. Our friend Erin was on vacation with her family in Florida. Ashton got the idea to go and explore her family’s property. I agreed that it was an excellent idea, and off we went.

We pulled up to the house and got out of the car. Her dogs greeted us and decided to follow us as we began walking down a trail. Ashton was taking pictures while I was taking in the beauty, and the dogs sniffed around looking for things to bark at.

We walked over to a cliff overlooking a valley. It was an amazing view. Naturally Ashton started taking more pictures while I contemplated God’s handy work. Then Ashton noticed something down below. He said to me, “Look at that pond. It is so shiny. Let’s go down there so I can get some good pictures.” I agreed because I mean what’s living if you don’t pull your shorts down and slide on the ice, right? We took off down this “hill” with Ashton leading the way because if something was going to get us, better him then me.

After what felt like an hour hike we make it to the bottom with the dogs right on our tail. Ashton stopped dead in his tracks and said to me, “Lindsay, look down.” I looked down only to see broken glass everywhere, and I do mean every where. We looked to our right only to see truck, tire tracks. At that point we started to feel a little freaked out. We looked at each other for a moment like, “Dear Jesus we are going to die down here!”, but Ashton insisted upon finding this shiny pond that he had seen from the cliff, so while being the unintelligent people that we are, we decided to continue exploring this “glass valley”.

We walked and walked and walked some more, but we never found that pond. We did find tons of glass, some fire pits, and what appeared to be a swamp. He gave up looking for the pond, but we decided to continue exploring the swamp. As we were walking through it the dogs started flipping out, barking at something.

At that point, Ashton and I were really freaking out. I looked at him and said, “Good God man, run for your life!” We took off running across this valley full of glass, praying that we would find away out before whatever else was down there got us. I was in the lead this time because if something was going to get one of us, better him then me.

We continued running until we came to this giant, concrete thing. It had graffiti all over it, and a huge claw hanging from the roof. After peeing a little, I decided that we were going to have to run through that thing because there was no way around it. So we both took off, our hands in the air, screaming for our lives.

We ran a little more till we came to Erin’s drive way, which was a long run up hill. When we got to the top, we jumped in his little white sunfire convertible, and took off like a bat out of Hell.

Ashton and I have never been accused of being intelligent. Adventures like that were common for us. We never cared about the consequences of our actions, and trust me we suffered for many of them. All that mattered to us was our next adventure. Little did we know our next adventure was just getting started. The adventure I am talking about is our friendship.

Our adventures did not end that day at “glass valley”. In fact, they were just beginning. We have been through a lot together, Ashton and I. We have endured separation, fights, deception, lies, manipulation, haters, lovers, and each other. All of which we have triumphed over, together.
 I do not think either of us realized at the time the significance of that day at “glass valley”. Even now it may seem like some silly thing that we did as adolescence, but it was so much more than that. It was a step that helped to define the friendship we have now. A friendship that is crazy, stupid but genuine. A friendship that can endure all things.



The Torture Scene
They were asked to take my heart
And examine it
Like an x-ray.

Or hold it in their hand controlling its beat
I tell them to drop it
And see if it bounces back

Or step on it
And see if it deflates

They start stomping on it with cleats
To make the hidden truths inside spill onto the dusty grass

I want them to make it beat
Holding it between their hands
Watching me for a reaction

But all they want to do
Is grind my heart into the ground
Torturing the truth from its depths

These were all written during a different time in my life. It is interesting to go back and read these and see where I was and how far I've come. As in the first story, life isn't about the destination but about the journey. That is where we learn and grow.

Enjoy the journey you are on!

Significance

At the church I now attend here in Evansville, One Life, we are in a series called 'The Talk'. It has be broken into four subcategories: Family, Marriage, Sex, and Kids. Last Sunday we started talking about kids. The minister brought something up that resonated with me which was that as children we all had adults, not just parents, who had influence in our lives. This topic came up again in my Ethnic Lit class. I had a weeks worth of the topic coming up and it was enough to get me thinking about the adults that had influence on me when I was a kid; and therefore, I felt compelled to write about those individuals.

The first person I thought of was Miranda (Chasteen) Blankenbeker. She was my camp counselor when I was in elementary school. Miranda is 10 years and 2 days older than me. Yes, I realize that is a weird thing to remember; however, I am the Rainman of dates. Anyway, Miranda and her mother, Jane, were my favorite counselors and I always requested to be in their cabin. They were always very kind and loving to me and not just at camp. Miranda even took the time to come pick me up one weekend and take me home with her to spend a weekend with her and her family. We did not live close either. It was an hour drive; however, she took time out of her life to show love to a kid by spending time with me. Not only that, but I was part of her wedding. She always referred to me as her little sister and her family accepted me as if I was. This was the first family, besides my own, that made me feel as if I was a part of their family.

The next person I thought about was Paula Sowders. Paula was my Sunday school teacher. Before my family moved to Mitchell, when we would visit I would always go to her class on Sunday mornings. She was one of the first people in Mitchell I knew before we came to live her. I remember my first day at Burris Elementary running into her and feeling a little peace because I had a familiar face around. I was eight years old and terrified of starting at a new school in the middle of the year but the fact that she was there brought me some peace on that first day.

Next comes Marian Stephens. Marian was the first teacher I had in Mitchell. She made me feel very welcome especially since I came in the middle of the school year. I believe the exact date was January 26, 1996. It was a Friday. I'm not positive on that but that is neither here nor there. Marian later became a very important part of my family. She lived next to my grandmother so I saw her often. After her mother passed we adopted her in as Aunt Marian. She was at every Slone family dinner, family vacations, and even in family pictures. When I was in the sixth grade instead of going home by myself, I would ride the bus over to Burris and hang out with her. When she fell ill and was in the hospital, a member of the Slone family was constantly with her at all times. We made sure one of us was always there to be in the fight with her.

One of the most influential people in my life was Gerald Tolliver. There is a lot I could say about Tolliver; however, I have spoken of him and his significance in my life several times. He was a grandfather figure in my life and his death still resonates with me. At his funeral I introduced myself to one of his sons. He said to me, and I'm probably paraphrasing a little, "Dad talked about you frequently and for him to remember you out of all the students he had says a lot." If I ever had a doubt about my significance to him, it was quickly swept away with that. He will always be one of the most influential people in my life because he is part of who I am today.

It is also essential that I mention Curt and Beth Parsley. During my time off from school, I spent a lot of time with them and their son, Jake. They were and still are my 2nd family. They even took me on Parsley Family Vacation with them. They have shown me love and kindness even in times were it was hard to do so.They continue to be faithful participants in my life.

I could not write this blog and not speak of Gary Spear. He is the most influential person in my life. I did not fully appreciate him in high school and it was not until later that I realized his significance in my life during those years. I was too distracted and unwilling to see it then. The most significant growth I have had over the past few years is due to his influence and faithfulness in my life. Even during the times when I find it hard to love myself, he reminds me how much I am loved. He has taught me how to think through things rationally, how to be still, and how to show love to people who are need of love and kindness. Words are not enough to express my gratitude.

It is because of the influence of these people that I am the person that I am. The most important thing I learned from all of these individuals is God's love for me. When I feel disposable and insignificant all I have to do is think of these people who have loved me and be reminded that I am enough. I am loved even during the darkest times. My life is full of those reminders because of people who took the time to show love to a kid that was not theirs to love. My life is better because of them.

Readers, take the time to be selfless.