Waking Up To Paper Cranes

I have no sense of belonging.

I'm in a place where I don't feel like I belong.

A place where I don't feel like I'm wanted.

Logic tells me that is untrue. But I feel differently, and my brain tends to take an idea and run with it. I am never alone. I don't even remember the last time I was completely alone. But even though I'm surrounded by so many people I feel alone.

Two things have been playing in mind for the past week or so. Things that where said to me from different people. The first being from a girl in the youth group. While we where at winterfest, Jeff did this whole emotional ceremonial washing of the feet thing and told the kids that they could wash their youth workers feet. I had a few people who offered to do that for me. But one girl stuck out. We were at dinner, and she pulled out her hand sanitizer and said, "I won't wash your feet, but I will wash your hands." When that popped into my head this week I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Now, the second being from the mother of a kid from the youth group. She sent me an encouragement card, and in it she said that I was being a good example for very watch full eyes. The 'very watch full eyes' part is what keeps playing in my head.

I just feel like I am not being a good example. I let myself get stressed really easily. Over little things. And I also let the way other people treat me or talk to me affect my mood. And lately, I just don't feel like anyone wants to be around me. I feel like a complete failure.

See what I mean. I let my mind run away with things until I feel like crap. I don't really know what to do about it.

The past couple weekends I have spent some time in Nashville, Tennessee. The more time I spend there the more I love it. I'm in the process of deciding whether to go to Lipscomb or not. I'm currently 43% sure that is where I should be. I'm in the process of making a list of the good things and the bad things about it. I need to be positive that is where I am suppose to be before I do anything about it. Right now I just plan on making more trips to Nashville to spend sometime around campus to get a better feel for the place. Don't worry. I'm going to look into other schools too. I'm not sure where I am suppose to be.

I don't know where I belong. (See the vicious cycle.)

Running with the shadows of the night

I've been running.

It's weird. I mean really intensely weird. I don't run. Not unless I am being chased, and even then its iffy.

I've been really stressed out lately. Mostly due to money issues, and partly to that whole 'whats my purpose?' thing. I go through that everyone once in awhile. Feeling completely useless. My heart tells me I'm not, but my head likes to think I am. And well....money is always an issue with me. I'm hoping that one day money won't be an issue for me or my children. One day.

Anyway, back to the whole running thing. Sometimes I just feel the need to run. Like all this built up frustration needs an outlet. So it was either run or go off on everyone around me. And I didn't want to do that. That wouldn't be fair to anyone around me. So....I ran. I run now. Thats what I do. Run.

Fall Retreat was this weekend. My step-sister, Kayla, came. I think she had a good time. She seemed excited when she was telling her mom about the weekend. I'm not sure if she got anything from it spiritually, but it was an opportunity for her to spend time with me. She seemed to really like Melissa and Addy. She liked all the girls, but those two she was really excited about telling her mother about. I'm glad that she was there.

I also got a chance to spend sometime with some new girls. Addy and Jocelyn. I really enjoy these girls. I'm looking forward to getting to know them better. I really enjoyed getting to watch all the girls spend time with one another. You can see the bonds that are forming with them. I'm really excited about that, and excited to see what's going to happen in the next few months.

(Random: Ran into the scary clown from the festival tonight, only he was in his human wear.)

I have a lot of thoughts in my head right now, but they will have to wait. Till next time readers.