Home Is Where The Heart Is

Home is where the heart is.

That is such a heavy statement.

I mean really. Think about it. Where your heart is, is where your home is.

The first question I have to ask myself is 'where is my heart?'. Does my heart lay where my thoughts are? Does it lay with the important people in my life? And if it does, who are those people? And why are they important to me? Why do I allow them to have part of me? What makes them so special? Why do they matter?

I have always tried to find peace through my relationships with other people. The thing is, I never can find peace in my relationships. I find comfort for a while, but never actual peace.

I do things to the extreme. When I love, I love with everything I have. When I hate, I hate with everything I have. I put everything I have into my relationships with others, in the hopes of finding peace within those relationships; however, because I do this, I tend to find more trouble then peace.

Matthew 6:19-21 (And I'm going to paraphrase this) says "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

My treasures on earth aren't things but people, which is probably more unhealthy then if my worldly treasures were things. Things can be replaced, and people can not. So when (It's always a question of when, not if.) I start to get myself into trouble within those relationships, it feels like the end of the world. It takes a mental, emotional, and physical toll on me.

That's not healthy.

This is something I've been thinking about lately. When I'm here in Evansville I do not feel at home so I go back to Mitchell, but I do not feel at home there either. No matter where I am, I just want to be somewhere else. The problem is not an external problem, but an internal one. "Where ever you go, there you are." I really am my worst enemy.

I realize now that I can not continue to try and find peace in my relationships. The only relationship I should be trying to find peace in is my relationship with God. That is where my heart should be.

I'm thankful that he continues to be faithful in my life while I figure all this out. That is true, unconditional love.

Where is your heart?

Back On Track

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I had a plan. It was a good one. One that I felt I deserved to have be successful. However, God seemed to have a different plan for me.

I'm not going to lie, I've been pretty angry with God about it.

Angry enough that I've not really prayed in a very long time. It's like I've been trying to punish him. It sounds so stupid. Trying to punish God. Really, all I did was punish myself. It only made me drive a wedge between me and the people that matter in my life.

As unfaithful as I have been, God has continued to be faithful in mine. He has been patient with me while I've messed around and questioned everything.

He has been good to me, even when I haven't deserved it.

My grades got posted today. I had a 3.7 for the semester, and I have a cumulative GPA of 3.5. When I returned here in the fall, my GPA was a 1.2. I just sat there and cried when I saw it.

I knew returning to USI meant that I would have to back track. My return was last minute, so the classes I took in the fall didn't really count towards anything. They were just the classes I could get into at that point. This past semester I had to retake the three classes I had failed that last time I was here. I turned all three of those Fs into As.

This is why I'm back here. To finish what I started.

I don't always get what I want, but I get what I need.

Perhaps it's time for me to get out of my own way, and try to see what it is God has in store for me.

It's time to make some changes.

Memory

Every once in awhile I have these memory flashes.

When I was 8 years old, and living in Louisville, I was in Tae-Kwon-Do. When we did really well on something, then we were given these stars to put on our belts. One day, my dad took me in to speak with my instructor. I had been getting into fights on the bus, and one of my punishments was that I had to go and tell my instructor what I had done. I watched as he ripped the stars off my belt. Needless to say, he was disappointed in my behavior.

That was such a vivid memory in my mind tonight.

It was one of those times when I felt how disappointed someone was in me.

I have no idea why that popped in my head tonight, but there it is.

(That little boy you see there, yea, that's me. Sigh.)

You Don't Need Luck

I've been slacking on this blogging thing.

The semester is wrapping up, and I'm real pumped about it. My first year back is almost over. I have officially declared my major, English Education, and my minor, Theatre. Is anyone really surprised that 1) I'm going to teach and 2) I'm going to teach theatre? Why didn't I major in this in the first place? Needless to say, I am completely satisfied with my decision. To be honest, this is the first time I've actually ever been excited about my future. I keep coming up with lesson plans for my future students. What can I say? I'm excited!

Growing up is weird. I won't be moving back home this summer. I'll be staying here in Evansville. It's weird. The only thing that really bothers me about it is that I miss my girls. A lot. I think that has been the hardest part of all of this. You get use to seeing and talking to people everyday, and then you have to readjust to not seeing them but maybe once a month, if that, and talking, and by talking I mean texting, once or twice a week. I miss them.

I do have some goals for my summer. I mean the first few weeks will be consumed with a summer class, so my focus will be on that for a while. However, after that, I can have some time to do things. I think I'm going to finally learn how to play the guitar. My dad bought me a guitar several years ago, and I have yet to learn how to play it. I mainly just jam out with real music playing in the background, and pretend like I know what I'm doing. I think I'm going to try and do some writing too. I've been planning this book in my head for years, and have yet to start on it. I have a title, Random Thoughts of a Question Mark, thus the title of this blog. It's basically me writing my story down. All the different chapters and all the different people that have been a part of those moments in my life. I think it could be really good for me to get all of this out of my head and down on paper. My unedited thoughts. Not stuff I would put out on a blog, but a honest look at my life. It just seems like it could be therapeutic. I don't know.

Anyway, I have one final down, and I got an A+ on it. It was my theatre final. I got to play a woman who caught her boyfriend cheating on her, and she calls and epically breaks up with him. I looked good, got to cuss some kid out, and throw my phone. Not a bad final. Just two more finals and the semester is officially over.

Let me end on the title. When I was in high school, I had a teacher that every time we took a test, he would say, "Good Skill." He always told us we didn't need luck, that we had the skill to do it. I don't need luck. I've got the skill. It's time to realize it.

Ya know?

What is it with kids today not finishing their thoughts?

Instead of explaining what they are thinking, they add "ya know?" or some variation of that to the end of their sentences. Is it that they are incapable of finishing a thought, or is that they are afraid to finish their thought?

I feel like we need to challenge them more on that. When they say "Ya know?", then we need to say "No, I don't know. Explain it to me." Give them the opportunity to finish their thoughts. Challenge their thinking.

Adults complain all the time about teenagers not putting forth any effort, but we are enablers. We allow it to happen. I wasn't challenged when I was in high school. I wasn't told, "You finish what you start." I wasn't taught to live up to my full potential. I was taught that it's okay to dream, but only if you don't dream too big. I was taught that when something gets difficult, it's okay to give up and walk away. I was taught mediocracy. That is the norm.

I'm not mediocre, and being normal is vastly over rated.

I expect more from the people I have chosen to invest in. I invested in these particular people because I know they are capable of great things, even if they don't. I want to be for them what someone should have been for me.

"Be the change you want to see in the world."--Gandhi