Pappaw

Sometimes, I find it difficult to find the right words to start these things.

My grandfather died last Monday.

It was my mother's father, Walter Brown, and he is the 2nd grandfather I have lost in a 4 month period.

Needless to say, it was a rough week. I wasn't so much concerned with myself on this one. I was more concerned about my mother and sister. I think that's what got me the most. To watch Jennifer, Thursday during the funeral, was probably the most heart wrenching of all. She was really close to Pappaw, and you could feel her heart break. I think that was the hardest part for me.

I'm not sure how long ago it was, but some time ago we found out that Pappaw had a brain tumor. At the time that we found out is when Pappaw Joe was getting worst, and I was still trying to deal with that. I don't do well with watching people suffer. It's harder to watch people suffer then it is to deal with their death. To be honest, it was all too overwhelming; knowing that I was going to lose both of my grandfathers soon.

A couple weeks ago, my mother was pretty instant about me going to say my goodbyes to Pappaw. That's not an easy thing to do. With Pappaw Joe, every time you left was your last goodbye. You just didn't know. Thankfully, I have a very thoughtful friend who offered to go down with me so I didn't have to go alone. Saying goodbye is never an easy thing to do.

I had a couple of people who checked in on me last week, which was very much appreciated. I also had some friends who helped provide some distraction for me. I did the video for the funeral, and I was a pallbearer; so it was good to have people to distract me for a while.

After the funeral, I headed to Nashville to see the girls. I had a good drive down. It was nice to have some time to myself to think and process everything. Being with those girls is just what I needed. I missed them. Melissa and Rebecca had been gone for almost two weeks, and it was killing me.

I met with my advisor Friday morning to get my classes set up. I have a pretty kick ass schedule. 4 theatre classes, weight training, the story of Jesus, chapel, and my practicum which is sets. I mean, I'm pretty excited about it. It's a great schedule to get me back into the swing of a real school.

Friday, Alayna and I headed back home. We got to have a good chat on the way home. I mean if you have to make a long car trip with someone, Alayna Super might be a good person to do that with. The reason she came home early is because she was invited to play in the East-West All-Star Game. She played really well. Kind of proud of that kid.

By now you should know that I like to brag on these kids.

Today I was reading back through some of my 'notes' on facebook. I spent 2009 writing down a list of things I was thankful for every week. It was kind of crazy to go back a read through all of that. I talked alot about the girls, and the people had been influential to me. Almost every week had something in there about Beth Parsley and Kedra Burris. I talked alot about getting the job at the Lighthouse and how excited I was about it, and as the year went on you can see how it started to go down hill; even in the beginning stages. I talked about Katie and how much I liked working with her. On one account I talked about how we got in trouble for talking and giggling with one another while working. It's not that we weren't working, we were, but Keith didn't like us to associate with the other employees. I'm pretty sure he fears there being a revolt against him. I also talked about subbing and the beginning stages of G5.1. I talked about my first visit to Lipscomb and how weird it was that I went on a college visit there, but that it was a school worth considering. I also talked alot about how God was being faithful to me even though I was struggling with life. It's crazy how things turned out. Looking at how things were then, and how they are now. To see that process is neat.

I think I'm going to start writing down the things I am thankful for everyday. A lot of times I find myself just focusing on the negative, and I don't take the time to look at the positive and thank God for those things. It will be good for me start journaling again anyway, and since Senora bought me a really nice leather journal for graduation, I can use that.

Reader's think about the things you are thankful for, even the little things. Sometimes the little things make all the difference.

SADD

So the last 2 weeks have just been a blur. They've been filled with graduation and graduation parties, working a wedding, college week of camp, softball games, editing pictures, working on school stuff, looking for a "real" job, a boat trip, Safe Night, Relay for Life, and some great hangout time with friends.

I feel like I need a time out.

Last night was Relay for Life, and it was my last night with my students. Unfortunately, we had storms coming and I didn't feel comfortable having a group of teenagers out in the middle of that. I haven't decided if that was me being responsible or me being a pansy. Don't get me wrong, I love storms. Just not so much when other people's children are out in the middle of it.

Last year at Rivervale, Tolliver had brought up the possibility that he would not be returning in the fall due to his eyesight getting worse. It was then that he asked the kids who they thought would be a good replacement. A lot of names got thrown out and shot down for various reasons. So I told Tolliver that I would be home for another year, and if it came down to it that Tyler Phillips and I could just co-sponsor. He was on board with that, and the kids were happy with that.

The day before school starts, I find out that Tolliver is not coming back and neither is Tyler. I chose to continue with the process for two reasons. 1) SADD has always had a special place in my life, and I didn't want to see it fall into the wrong hands. I think had I not become so involved with it while I was in high school, my life could have easily looked very different. 2) I made a commitment to not only these kids, but to Gerald Tolliver. You can say what you want about him, but he played an important role in my high school career and I have a lot of respect for him because of that. He was one of the few teachers that cared about me not only as a student but as a person.

I went into this with very little information, and really I was going off of things we had done five years ago. Luckily, I had Evie Sehr as my president. She was my right arm the whole year. I didn't need to ask her to do anything because by the time I would ask she would already have it done or be working on it. She might be the best president since Libby Allen herself. You're probably like, "Wait a minute, Lindsay. Weren't you the president of SADD?" I was, and as Tolliver has said I was one of the best. However, I was also power hungry. I had a passion for SADD and I really wanted to see great things happen, but my methods were not the best. I developed a couple of nicknames that year. One being Hitler. I actually had one of my freshman board members go home after Rivervale and tell her family that I was Hitler. The other was a five letter word that I think people were afraid to say to my face. I've said this before, I wasn't the nicest person in high school. Not proud of that fact, but there it is.

I knew that I would only be able to sponsor SADD for the year due to that whole me not being a "real" teacher thing, and that I would be leaving to finish my education else where. I started looking for my replacement very early in the school year. I started paying closer attention to the faculty at MHS. It helped that I was a sub because I got to hear not only the faculties view of each other, but the students' view of the faculty. Whoever took this over needed to have the respect of not only the rest of the faculty, but of the students. Those kids won't work for people they don't respect.

Next years sponsors are Jessica Morgan and Megan Elgin. The days that I would sub for Morgan were some of the few times that the kids would complain about having a sub. I had always heard good things not only from the faculty but from the students about her, and I knew that she was someone who actually cared about these kids. When I first got hired on as the sponsor, Megan was 1 of 2 faculty members that sent me a message congratulating me. She had told me then that if I ever needed help to let her know. I didn't have a lot of faculty initiative. Everyone wanted to complain about the various issues, but very few actually tried to be part of the solution. So I was appreciative and impressed that she offered to step up and be part of the solution.

I'm excited for next year. It's hard to leave, but I know that this organization and the students involved are being left in good hands. That gives me a little piece of mind.

Stories of A Substitute: The Final Take

Today was my last day subbing at Mitchell High School.

3 years ago when I came home, I knew that my time in Mitchell couldn't be just about me. That's why I got involved with the teens at the MCOC, and it's what led me into subbing. I knew that working with the teens at the MCOC would be great, but that it would only give me access to a certain group of kids. I decided that I would apply to be a sub at Mitchell High School because it would give me more access to a wider range of kids.

The first day I subbed was Wednesday, October 29, and it was for Julie Colglazier. I remember being pretty nervous, which looking back on it was probably really silly. After I subbed for her that day, I apologized to her for being such a pain when I was in her class.

One of the highlights from the days that I would sub was always lunch. I'm not really sure why because it never really has been that exciting. Most of the time they all sit there and complain about something. When I first started, I would always sit up stairs in the teachers lounge at the "Men's table", and listen to Tolliver, Giggy, and Seitzinger talk about the good ol' days when coke was a nickel or whatever.

Then, this year one of the newer teachers asked me to eat lunch in the FACS room with some of the other newer teachers. That kind of blew me away because most of those teachers had never actually acknowledged my presence, so I'm sure that they didn't know what to do with me. After that, I just kind of kept eating with them. Some of the students have affectionately nicknamed it 'the cool kids table'. Does that make me a 'cool kid'?

Though, I have to admit, I'm not sure I want to be lumped into all of that.

I'd have to say one of the 'highlights' of this year was when I subbed for Kearns, and Jake pop, locked, and dropped it in the middle of class. Or how about last week when one of my students asked another student for a dip, with me standing right there. Not only am I the sub in the room, I am also the SADD Sponsor.

The moral in that place isn't so great, and I don't just mean amongst the students. That became more evident to me this year, while sponsoring SADD. Everyone wanted to complain, but no one wanted to be part of the solution. You can't really expect these kids to care, when the adults in their lives don't care.

Every once in a while, Tolliver would get me refocused and remind me why I was there. I wasn't there for me or for the faculty, but for those kids. I had to remind myself of that a few times.

That place will suffocate you, if you let it.

I have had a lot of frustrating moments in that place, but I have also had a lot of great moments. I've built relationships with kids that I would not have been able to had I not been in the high school. It's also been a learning experience, and it's what pushed me to go into education. Crazy I know.

Some of these kids have left a real impression on me, and they will be missed. It has been an interesting, wonderful, and at times frustrating 3 years, and I've loved every minute of it.

Not gonna lie, the past couple of weeks have been emotionally exhausting. I've worked on graduation videos which I love doing, but I'm doing several videos for kids I love. I started with a hard one, which was Alayna, and I'm ending on a hard one, which is Melissa.

I've also got graduation presents to work on for Rebecca and Melissa. That's been hard. That's made things harder. It's weird that they are graduating. I've spent 4 years investing in these two girls, and they have just made me so proud. I know that Friday will be rough, but I also know that they are entering a new and exciting phase of their lives and I am just so excited for them.

Shout out to Rebecca Burris who is not only in the top 10 of her class, but holds the #2 spot. I'm so proud of you, Rebecca. ;)

Disgusting

Well........I'm a college graduate.

Graduation: While walking up to the IU Auditorium, I could hear bagpipes. As I turned the corner I noticed that there was in fact a man in a kilt, play the bagpipes. I guess that was to class it up a bit. I stood in line with some rather interesting people. In fact, I sat next to a feisty Bulgarian woman. That was entertaining. While in line, the people around me wanted to know what G5.1 stood for. Here's how that conversation went: Random girl:"What is G51?"  Me:"It's G5.1."  RG: jokingly, "Oh. Was that your GPA? You little over achiever, you."  Me:"Oh yea."  RG:"How did you manage that?"  Me: jokingly, "I slept with all my professors."  Then, I tried to explain that G5.1 was a rap group that my cousin and I started together. That he was graduating that night too, and that's why it said Ebony & Ivory. He was Ebony and I was Ivory. They found the truth to be even more ridiculous then the lie.

Disgusting Story: So my Mammaw was up for graduation, and was talking about puking. (I know I gave you a heads up.) Anyway, ever since then I've been thinking about the same thing over and over again. During Spring Break my junior year of high school myself, Erin, and Ashton were going to Bloomington to find prom shoes for Erin. Erin and I had already eaten, but Ashton wanted us to go through Taco Bell and get him some food. He got his 3 soft tacos, and we were on our way. Well, Erin was really sensitive to smells, and she just couldn't handle the smell of Ashton's tacos. As we turned onto the highway, we rolled down the windows so she could get some air. However, that apparently wasn't enough. She threw up out the window, and it went all over my back window, right next to where Ashton was sitting, eating his tacos. I'm one of those people if I see it, I'm gonna do it and I did. I'm driving on 37, puking in my lap and Erin is puking out the side of the car. And Ashton is sitting in the back seat, eating his tacos. I pulled over to the side of the road and tried to gain my composure, because not only was a puking but I was laughing. It was a mess. I eventually got myself together, and we pulled over in Oolitic at this gas station. I got out of the car, and the guys in the truck next to us said, "Taco Bell?" The three of us together, "Yep." After we, and by we I mean Ashton, cleaned up some of the puke we decided that we were going to need to clean my car out. Once again, by we, I mean Ashton and Erin cleaned out my car. We get to the car wash and they hose out my car, and then they hose me down. Then they made me walk to Kmart to purchase an outfit that was not covered in water and puke, while they drove my car. Oh....Fond memories.

I don't know why that is so vivid in my head. It makes me laugh every time I think about it because it was just so ridiculous. The mental picture of it is just insane. God must have been like, "What are those 3 idiots doing?" Dumb.

Sorry for the disgusting story.

I've started working on graduation videos, and while looking for pictures for mine I came across a lot of interesting things.

1: I found my funeral plans that I made for Tolliver's class, my freshman year of high school. That was a weird feeling. Most of that stuff has changed, but even then I didn't want any flowers or anything sent to the funeral home. I wanted it sent to the American Cancer Society. Weird.
2: I found my high school diploma.
3: I found an e-mail that Mr. Giggy had sent my mother because I was failing English. This was during the "Ashley Phase". Surprise Surprise. It's interesting to look back on my grades and see how awesome I did my freshman year, and see how my grades started to digress when she entered the picture.
4: I found my final from Advance Psychology, which was to write 10 nice things about everyone in the room. Most of mine say something about SADD and me being funny. I had a few people write that I was outspoken and stood my ground, and a couple of people wrote about how I always stood up for the underdog. A ton of people put that I was sarcastic. Who knew? One girl put 'Nice to most people!:)', and then some others put things about how I was brutally honest and told people what I thought of them.

I wasn't exactly the nicest person in high school. I guess it depended on who you were. I did tend to stand up for the underdog, and I did tell people what I thought about them. I'm proud of myself for always taking up for the underdog, but not so much proud of the way I did it. That was then, and this is now. I'm not who I was.

Anyway....

We won our softball game Tuesday night. We are playing much better this year. I had an awesome catch Monday night, and my excitement was clear on my face.

Grades came in. 4.0 for the semester.

I was a little late to work today because I completely forgot about subbing. However, I made it there by 8:35. One kid was like, "How did you get here so fast?" I told him I apparated into the building. I subbed for 3 periods, and I am getting paid for a full day. It's nice.

That's what I have for now. Just a bunch of randomness, but in all fairness that's what this blog is all about.

Magna Cum Laude

What a ridiculous week I've had.

It's finals week which basically means a lot of cramming and very little sleep. On top of that I worked the polls (Shout out to Gerald Tolliver who won the City Council District #2 spot), I've had SADD Board Interviews this week, and I've had various meetings through out the week.

One of the guys working the polls, stood there talking to one of my students about the good ol' days at Mitchell High School. I heard him say, "My time at MHS was the high light of my life." He was missing some teeth. My reply, "I bet it was."

It's a little weird that it's time for SADD Interviews to be happening. It's also weird to be the one conducting the interviews. It's weird being the one in charge. It's crazy to think I left 5 years ago with the intent to come back and be the next Gerald Tolliver, and that I actually came back and became the sponsor of SADD. That's half of the original plan.

Five years ago I graduated from Mitchell and moved to Terre Haute to attend ISU for social studies education. I was miserable. Of course, why wouldn't I have been? That was a half assed decision that I made based around a girl. (That whole story is a little too long to share here. If you want to know that part of my story, then you can ask me.) Then from ISU I went to USI for Radio/TV. Once again, I was miserable. I was still in a bit of a funk from the previous 4 years. That's when I made the decision to come home.

I came home feeling so defeated. I had failed. I had failed my parents, all those who had invested in me, and more importantly, I failed myself.

It didn't make feel any better to hear people (people who had no business having an opinion on my life) tell me how disappointed they were in me. How taking a year off would mean that I would never go back and that I would end up staying in Mitchell forever, working for minimum wage. That made me feel really warm and fuzzy inside.

I was determined that wouldn't happen to me.


Not only did I go back to school, but I kicked ass doing it. Say what you want about Ivy Tech, I don't really care. I've spent my time here working my butt off, and it has paid off.

Next Friday, I will be graduating Magna Cum Laude (with high honors).

In the end the only thing that matters is that I have accomplished something that I can be proud of.

The past 3 years have been exciting and frustrating and full of so much growth. I came home defeated and I will be leaving redeemed.

Side Note: I'd like to point out that Destiny turned 8 this week. I may have been emotional. Haha. I love that kid so much.