I have a lot to say. I have a lot to say, but my thoughts are not organized enough to create anything remotely coherent. It would only come out as angry word vomit.
One year for my birthday, a couple of my friends bought me this book by Macaulay Culkin. Yeah, Macaulay Culkin wrote a book. Blew my mind too. They bought it for me because it is full of randomness. It is full of randomness and craziness. Like legit craziness. The guy really was a hot mess. It's actually a good read if you ever need to feel better about your life.
It was after I read that book that I was inspired to write my own book of random craziness. Years later, that is why this blog was started. Who knew Macaulay Culkin would inspire me to write a book. I'm assuming it was therapeutic for him.
I could use something therapeutic.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
I Was Here
So....remember me? Yeah, I fail at this whole blog thing. In my defense, I have been a bit preoccupied with all the things. You know that whole adulting thing....Yeah. It is disgusting and it freaks me out. Blah.
What a journey though. It's crazy how four years can go by so quickly and yet be so full of experiences. I'm not even really sure where to begin or what to say really.
Seven years ago, I crawled back home with my head hanging in defeat. I felt like a huge failure crrawling back to mommy and daddy because I was incapable of being a big girl. I'm not even sure that is the right way to look at it. I guess more than anything I had given up on myself. AND where better to wallow in my self pity than Mitchell. That is where my failures started, and that is where my failures ended.
Anyway, I came home with my tail tucked between my legs. I needed time to figure out my next move. The plan I had in my head was to go home and work in the "real world" for a little while, save up some money, and then go to film school. I wanted to direct music videos. AND maybe I could've been an excellent director. I will never know, but I'm okay with that. I found something I was truly passionate about, and it was more important to me to pursue this new dream than to pursue something I just kind of happened to be good at.
I'm not the most selfless person in the world nor will I ever claim to be; however, I knew that my time in Mitchell needed to mean something. It had to be about something more than just me. I wanted my life to have purpose and meaning. I didn't really realize at the time, at least not fully, the impact my time at home had on my future plans or on the people that surrounded me.
I knew my time at home would be spent working with the teens in the MCOC Youth Group, but I also knew that my time could not be limited to one set group of kids. I decided I would start subbing in my local high school. I could go on about that experience for hours, but I will save those memories for myself and my students. It didn't take me long to realize that I was exactly where I needed to be, doing exactly what I should be doing. Those kids changed me. That's all I can really say about that.
I knew that I would have to go back to school, but I also knew I wasn't ready to leave my kids yet. I enrolled at Ivy Tech, mainly because that is the only place that would take me. No one accepts a student with a 1.2 GPA. Can't say I really blame them. Anywho....I decided to get my general classes out of the way and to get certified in graphic design. So...I subbed during the day and went to class at night. During that time I was working 3 jobs at a time (4 if you count SADD and subbing separately), and I was in school full time. I'm still not really sure how I pulled off my 3.92 GPA doing all of that, but some how I managed to pull myself up. Though, I did flirt with a couple of my professors. ;) I'm pretty sure I had As in those classes anyway. The flirting was just an added bonus. ;) Anyway, I worked hard to accomplish a goal. Not just for myself but to set an example for my students, and more importantly to set an example for my beloved Mini Me.
I then made another plan to attend Lipscomb University for Theatre Education; however, that fell through. That happens a lot when I make plans. They usually don't go the way I envision them in my mind. So there I was, shooting hoops, exhausting my last bit of hope for going to Lipscomb when it hit me.....perhaps there was one last thing I could do. But.....geez....I really didn't want to.
I found out on a Sunday that there was no way I would be able to attend Lipscomb. The next day I called USI and asked what we could do to get me back there in the fall semester. The semester started in 2 weeks. I've always kind of sucked with timing. I knew that if I stayed in Mitchell I would never leave. I made the right decision going back home, but staying would have been the end of me. That is why I made the decision I did.
I didn't really want to come back to USI. I knew I would have to face my failures, and lets face it no one wants to do that. I also knew that it was something I had to do for myself. I had to prove to myself that I was capable of pulling myself up, and I did just that. I graduated from USI with a 3.42 GPA, which is much better than the 1.2 GPA I had when I left the first time. I worked two jobs, sometimes three, in order to provide for myself while also going to school full time. It has been the most trying four years of my life, but I accomplished what I set out to do and I did it on my own.
A lot has changed in life. I "came out" to my friends and family a couple years ago. Their reactions were all pretty much the same: "Yeah....And?" So there is that. I don't really have much to say on that subject other than a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I am who I am. I was created in God's image and I know he loves me. Nothing else really matters when it comes to that.
What now? Man, that is the question everyone I come in contact with ask me. I don't know. I know what I want, or I should say I know where I want to be and what I want to be doing. I want to move back to Louisville. That was always the plan. I just got side tracked for about nine years. It's fine. It happens. I'm ready to move back closer to my family. I'm ready to find someone to build a life with. I'm ready to mold young minds. I'm ready for whatever comes my way. Will I for sure end up in Louisville? I don't know. I've learned to accept that things don't always happen the way I want them to, and that is okay. I must keep an open mind and in the end do what is best for me. What is that? I have no clue, but I'm sure I will figure it out. I always do.
All I know is that no matter what happens or where I end up, I want to leave an impression. I want to be remembered for the good I have done, the craziness that is me, the love I have shown others, and for the obstacles I have over come. I want the people here to remember me fondly, as I will remember them. I want to leave a legacy.
Whatever happens, I will never stop growing.
Friday, September 13, 2013
....Past
The following are various things I wrote several years ago. I happened across them and thought I would share. Enjoy!
Over The Rainbow
If I only I had a brain.
If I only I had a heart.
If I only I had courage.
If I could only find my way.
A girl loses herself in her sin and can't find her way out. She becomes so lost that the fantasy becomes real. Becomes truth. Becomes her reality. She is surrounded by her sin, never looking past it to the real reality of her life. It wasn't until she landed where she didn't want to be that she began to realize that she wasn't who she wanted to be. So she sets out on the only path she knows hoping to find answers. Hoping to find her way.
A boy sits alone, confused, scared. Dwelling in his sin because he knows no better. All he knows is pain, suffering, and hurt because that is what he has been shown. However, he has this lingering feeling that there has to be something more but can't figure out what it is. So he sits. Waiting for something or someone to show him the way.
Then comes the girl looking for her answers. She stumbles across this thoughtless boy who seems lost just like her. She learns his story and he learns hers. And they decide to make the journey together rather than alone. Because no one wants to be alone in their sin.
A girl is hiding in the only place she feels safe. Her sin. It’s what she knows and she fears what she does not know. She tries to act brave but her fears are weighing heavy on her. She begins to fear her surroundings. Her sin. She wishes she could be brave enough to conquer her fears. But hasn’t the courage to do so.
While continuing on their misadventure, the two friends come across this scared girl. She shares her story with them, and they agree that this girl should join them on their journey. A journey for answers.
A girl sits wasting away. All she once cared about has disappeared. She has become hard of heart. Closing herself down to the world. She won’t let anyone see who she truly is. Won't let anyone see her heart. But she sees her loneliness consuming her and wants out of her hardened state. She wants freedom, love, and care.
While struggling on the long winding road of explanation, the three come across this careless girl. Stories get exchanged and this final girl joins this group of misfits on their hopeful journey.
The four travel through good and bad. Struggling the whole way. They finally make it to the end of the hard road. They go to the one that they were sent to find, hoping that she will be able to set them right. Give them the answers to their questions. But all they found was disappointment. They had wrapped so much hope into this person to deliver them from their sins, that they lost sight of what the journey really was.
The journey was really about finding themselves. Realizing that they had the brains, the courage, and the heart all along. This journey helped them find their way. Find peace.
(This is a fictional story about a somewhat “real” life. The story of a girl who put all her hope into one thing only to find that the answers did not lie there. They lied with in Christ. In order to find peace she had to find Christ.)
…..This is my story….
Fear
Fear is a funny thing. I mean what is there to fear when you don’t fear death? And why fear death? I mean we don’t really die. Physically yes we die. But our souls go on for eternity. Is that what we fear? Eternity. Why fear eternity when we have an amazing creator who loved us so much that he came to Earth and died just for us? Just for you and me. Seems silly right?
Fear is defined as a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
My soul fears nothing. But my flesh.... My flesh fears everything.
I fear you.
I fear your eyes. They see through me.
I fear the power you have over me.
I fear when the time comes, I won’t be able to walk away.
But my soul knows better. My soul knows that my creator came to save me from all of that. I have no fear because I know that my fears are only surface. I know that there is something deeper within me. Something bigger than you. Bigger than me. Bigger than this life.
Psalms 27:1
The Lord is my light and my salvation whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid?
Glass Valley
My best friend, Ashton, and I went through a trespassing phase. We would take off driving, in any direction, looking for abandoned houses to explore. That worked out well for a while, but the problem came when we decided to go somewhere that wasn’t technically abandoned.
It was spring break of my junior year of high school. Our friend Erin was on vacation with her family in Florida. Ashton got the idea to go and explore her family’s property. I agreed that it was an excellent idea, and off we went.
We pulled up to the house and got out of the car. Her dogs greeted us and decided to follow us as we began walking down a trail. Ashton was taking pictures while I was taking in the beauty, and the dogs sniffed around looking for things to bark at.
We walked over to a cliff overlooking a valley. It was an amazing view. Naturally Ashton started taking more pictures while I contemplated God’s handy work. Then Ashton noticed something down below. He said to me, “Look at that pond. It is so shiny. Let’s go down there so I can get some good pictures.” I agreed because I mean what’s living if you don’t pull your shorts down and slide on the ice, right? We took off down this “hill” with Ashton leading the way because if something was going to get us, better him then me.
After what felt like an hour hike we make it to the bottom with the dogs right on our tail. Ashton stopped dead in his tracks and said to me, “Lindsay, look down.” I looked down only to see broken glass everywhere, and I do mean every where. We looked to our right only to see truck, tire tracks. At that point we started to feel a little freaked out. We looked at each other for a moment like, “Dear Jesus we are going to die down here!”, but Ashton insisted upon finding this shiny pond that he had seen from the cliff, so while being the unintelligent people that we are, we decided to continue exploring this “glass valley”.
We walked and walked and walked some more, but we never found that pond. We did find tons of glass, some fire pits, and what appeared to be a swamp. He gave up looking for the pond, but we decided to continue exploring the swamp. As we were walking through it the dogs started flipping out, barking at something.
At that point, Ashton and I were really freaking out. I looked at him and said, “Good God man, run for your life!” We took off running across this valley full of glass, praying that we would find away out before whatever else was down there got us. I was in the lead this time because if something was going to get one of us, better him then me.
We continued running until we came to this giant, concrete thing. It had graffiti all over it, and a huge claw hanging from the roof. After peeing a little, I decided that we were going to have to run through that thing because there was no way around it. So we both took off, our hands in the air, screaming for our lives.
We ran a little more till we came to Erin’s drive way, which was a long run up hill. When we got to the top, we jumped in his little white sunfire convertible, and took off like a bat out of Hell.
Ashton and I have never been accused of being intelligent. Adventures like that were common for us. We never cared about the consequences of our actions, and trust me we suffered for many of them. All that mattered to us was our next adventure. Little did we know our next adventure was just getting started. The adventure I am talking about is our friendship.
Our adventures did not end that day at “glass valley”. In fact, they were just beginning. We have been through a lot together, Ashton and I. We have endured separation, fights, deception, lies, manipulation, haters, lovers, and each other. All of which we have triumphed over, together.
I do not think either of us realized at the time the significance of that day at “glass valley”. Even now it may seem like some silly thing that we did as adolescence, but it was so much more than that. It was a step that helped to define the friendship we have now. A friendship that is crazy, stupid but genuine. A friendship that can endure all things.
The Torture Scene
They were asked to take my heart
And examine it
Like an x-ray.
Or hold it in their hand controlling its beat
I tell them to drop it
And see if it bounces back
Or step on it
And see if it deflates
They start stomping on it with cleats
To make the hidden truths inside spill onto the dusty grass
I want them to make it beat
Holding it between their hands
Watching me for a reaction
But all they want to do
Is grind my heart into the ground
Torturing the truth from its depths
These were all written during a different time in my life. It is interesting to go back and read these and see where I was and how far I've come. As in the first story, life isn't about the destination but about the journey. That is where we learn and grow.
Enjoy the journey you are on!
Over The Rainbow
If I only I had a brain.
If I only I had a heart.
If I only I had courage.
If I could only find my way.
A girl loses herself in her sin and can't find her way out. She becomes so lost that the fantasy becomes real. Becomes truth. Becomes her reality. She is surrounded by her sin, never looking past it to the real reality of her life. It wasn't until she landed where she didn't want to be that she began to realize that she wasn't who she wanted to be. So she sets out on the only path she knows hoping to find answers. Hoping to find her way.
A boy sits alone, confused, scared. Dwelling in his sin because he knows no better. All he knows is pain, suffering, and hurt because that is what he has been shown. However, he has this lingering feeling that there has to be something more but can't figure out what it is. So he sits. Waiting for something or someone to show him the way.
Then comes the girl looking for her answers. She stumbles across this thoughtless boy who seems lost just like her. She learns his story and he learns hers. And they decide to make the journey together rather than alone. Because no one wants to be alone in their sin.
A girl is hiding in the only place she feels safe. Her sin. It’s what she knows and she fears what she does not know. She tries to act brave but her fears are weighing heavy on her. She begins to fear her surroundings. Her sin. She wishes she could be brave enough to conquer her fears. But hasn’t the courage to do so.
While continuing on their misadventure, the two friends come across this scared girl. She shares her story with them, and they agree that this girl should join them on their journey. A journey for answers.
A girl sits wasting away. All she once cared about has disappeared. She has become hard of heart. Closing herself down to the world. She won’t let anyone see who she truly is. Won't let anyone see her heart. But she sees her loneliness consuming her and wants out of her hardened state. She wants freedom, love, and care.
While struggling on the long winding road of explanation, the three come across this careless girl. Stories get exchanged and this final girl joins this group of misfits on their hopeful journey.
The four travel through good and bad. Struggling the whole way. They finally make it to the end of the hard road. They go to the one that they were sent to find, hoping that she will be able to set them right. Give them the answers to their questions. But all they found was disappointment. They had wrapped so much hope into this person to deliver them from their sins, that they lost sight of what the journey really was.
The journey was really about finding themselves. Realizing that they had the brains, the courage, and the heart all along. This journey helped them find their way. Find peace.
(This is a fictional story about a somewhat “real” life. The story of a girl who put all her hope into one thing only to find that the answers did not lie there. They lied with in Christ. In order to find peace she had to find Christ.)
…..This is my story….
Fear
Fear is a funny thing. I mean what is there to fear when you don’t fear death? And why fear death? I mean we don’t really die. Physically yes we die. But our souls go on for eternity. Is that what we fear? Eternity. Why fear eternity when we have an amazing creator who loved us so much that he came to Earth and died just for us? Just for you and me. Seems silly right?
Fear is defined as a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
My soul fears nothing. But my flesh.... My flesh fears everything.
I fear you.
I fear your eyes. They see through me.
I fear the power you have over me.
I fear when the time comes, I won’t be able to walk away.
But my soul knows better. My soul knows that my creator came to save me from all of that. I have no fear because I know that my fears are only surface. I know that there is something deeper within me. Something bigger than you. Bigger than me. Bigger than this life.
Psalms 27:1
The Lord is my light and my salvation whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid?
Glass Valley
My best friend, Ashton, and I went through a trespassing phase. We would take off driving, in any direction, looking for abandoned houses to explore. That worked out well for a while, but the problem came when we decided to go somewhere that wasn’t technically abandoned.
It was spring break of my junior year of high school. Our friend Erin was on vacation with her family in Florida. Ashton got the idea to go and explore her family’s property. I agreed that it was an excellent idea, and off we went.
We pulled up to the house and got out of the car. Her dogs greeted us and decided to follow us as we began walking down a trail. Ashton was taking pictures while I was taking in the beauty, and the dogs sniffed around looking for things to bark at.
We walked over to a cliff overlooking a valley. It was an amazing view. Naturally Ashton started taking more pictures while I contemplated God’s handy work. Then Ashton noticed something down below. He said to me, “Look at that pond. It is so shiny. Let’s go down there so I can get some good pictures.” I agreed because I mean what’s living if you don’t pull your shorts down and slide on the ice, right? We took off down this “hill” with Ashton leading the way because if something was going to get us, better him then me.
After what felt like an hour hike we make it to the bottom with the dogs right on our tail. Ashton stopped dead in his tracks and said to me, “Lindsay, look down.” I looked down only to see broken glass everywhere, and I do mean every where. We looked to our right only to see truck, tire tracks. At that point we started to feel a little freaked out. We looked at each other for a moment like, “Dear Jesus we are going to die down here!”, but Ashton insisted upon finding this shiny pond that he had seen from the cliff, so while being the unintelligent people that we are, we decided to continue exploring this “glass valley”.
We walked and walked and walked some more, but we never found that pond. We did find tons of glass, some fire pits, and what appeared to be a swamp. He gave up looking for the pond, but we decided to continue exploring the swamp. As we were walking through it the dogs started flipping out, barking at something.
At that point, Ashton and I were really freaking out. I looked at him and said, “Good God man, run for your life!” We took off running across this valley full of glass, praying that we would find away out before whatever else was down there got us. I was in the lead this time because if something was going to get one of us, better him then me.
We continued running until we came to this giant, concrete thing. It had graffiti all over it, and a huge claw hanging from the roof. After peeing a little, I decided that we were going to have to run through that thing because there was no way around it. So we both took off, our hands in the air, screaming for our lives.
We ran a little more till we came to Erin’s drive way, which was a long run up hill. When we got to the top, we jumped in his little white sunfire convertible, and took off like a bat out of Hell.
Ashton and I have never been accused of being intelligent. Adventures like that were common for us. We never cared about the consequences of our actions, and trust me we suffered for many of them. All that mattered to us was our next adventure. Little did we know our next adventure was just getting started. The adventure I am talking about is our friendship.
Our adventures did not end that day at “glass valley”. In fact, they were just beginning. We have been through a lot together, Ashton and I. We have endured separation, fights, deception, lies, manipulation, haters, lovers, and each other. All of which we have triumphed over, together.
I do not think either of us realized at the time the significance of that day at “glass valley”. Even now it may seem like some silly thing that we did as adolescence, but it was so much more than that. It was a step that helped to define the friendship we have now. A friendship that is crazy, stupid but genuine. A friendship that can endure all things.
The Torture Scene
They were asked to take my heart
And examine it
Like an x-ray.
Or hold it in their hand controlling its beat
I tell them to drop it
And see if it bounces back
Or step on it
And see if it deflates
They start stomping on it with cleats
To make the hidden truths inside spill onto the dusty grass
I want them to make it beat
Holding it between their hands
Watching me for a reaction
But all they want to do
Is grind my heart into the ground
Torturing the truth from its depths
These were all written during a different time in my life. It is interesting to go back and read these and see where I was and how far I've come. As in the first story, life isn't about the destination but about the journey. That is where we learn and grow.
Enjoy the journey you are on!
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Significance
The first person I thought of was Miranda (Chasteen) Blankenbeker. She was my camp counselor when I was in elementary school. Miranda is 10 years and 2 days older than me. Yes, I realize that is a weird thing to remember; however, I am the Rainman of dates. Anyway, Miranda and her mother, Jane, were my favorite counselors and I always requested to be in their cabin. They were always very kind and loving to me and not just at camp. Miranda even took the time to come pick me up one weekend and take me home with her to spend a weekend with her and her family. We did not live close either. It was an hour drive; however, she took time out of her life to show love to a kid by spending time with me. Not only that, but I was part of her wedding. She always referred to me as her little sister and her family accepted me as if I was. This was the first family, besides my own, that made me feel as if I was a part of their family.
The next person I thought about was Paula Sowders. Paula was my Sunday school teacher. Before my family moved to Mitchell, when we would visit I would always go to her class on Sunday mornings. She was one of the first people in Mitchell I knew before we came to live her. I remember my first day at Burris Elementary running into her and feeling a little peace because I had a familiar face around. I was eight years old and terrified of starting at a new school in the middle of the year but the fact that she was there brought me some peace on that first day.
Next comes Marian Stephens. Marian was the first teacher I had in Mitchell. She made me feel very welcome especially since I came in the middle of the school year. I believe the exact date was January 26, 1996. It was a Friday. I'm not positive on that but that is neither here nor there. Marian later became a very important part of my family. She lived next to my grandmother so I saw her often. After her mother passed we adopted her in as Aunt Marian. She was at every Slone family dinner, family vacations, and even in family pictures. When I was in the sixth grade instead of going home by myself, I would ride the bus over to Burris and hang out with her. When she fell ill and was in the hospital, a member of the Slone family was constantly with her at all times. We made sure one of us was always there to be in the fight with her.
One of the most influential people in my life was Gerald Tolliver. There is a lot I could say about Tolliver; however, I have spoken of him and his significance in my life several times. He was a grandfather figure in my life and his death still resonates with me. At his funeral I introduced myself to one of his sons. He said to me, and I'm probably paraphrasing a little, "Dad talked about you frequently and for him to remember you out of all the students he had says a lot." If I ever had a doubt about my significance to him, it was quickly swept away with that. He will always be one of the most influential people in my life because he is part of who I am today.
It is also essential that I mention Curt and Beth Parsley. During my time off from school, I spent a lot of time with them and their son, Jake. They were and still are my 2nd family. They even took me on Parsley Family Vacation with them. They have shown me love and kindness even in times were it was hard to do so.They continue to be faithful participants in my life.
I could not write this blog and not speak of Gary Spear. He is the most influential person in my life. I did not fully appreciate him in high school and it was not until later that I realized his significance in my life during those years. I was too distracted and unwilling to see it then. The most significant growth I have had over the past few years is due to his influence and faithfulness in my life. Even during the times when I find it hard to love myself, he reminds me how much I am loved. He has taught me how to think through things rationally, how to be still, and how to show love to people who are need of love and kindness. Words are not enough to express my gratitude.
It is because of the influence of these people that I am the person that I am. The most important thing I learned from all of these individuals is God's love for me. When I feel disposable and insignificant all I have to do is think of these people who have loved me and be reminded that I am enough. I am loved even during the darkest times. My life is full of those reminders because of people who took the time to show love to a kid that was not theirs to love. My life is better because of them.
Readers, take the time to be selfless.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Memories on the Wall
I'll be honest, I was dreading this past week. The idea of spending the week in Mitchell didn't exactly make me want to jump up and click my heals. I wasn't real sure how the week was going to go, but it went so much better than I could have imagined.
I had a small cabin this year. My usual girls were unable to come this year, so we had a different group of girls. I had Moyra, of course. Then I had four girls from Newburgh, which I found funny because I now live in Newburgh. I had a real awkward group of girls, but let's be honest I'm awkward so it was probably a good fit.
I was real proud of these girls. As usual, I had the oldest group of girls. Sunday, I told them that they should be setting a good example for the younger girls, and they did not let me down. In fact, one of my campers got Camper of the Week. I was very proud of her.
Instead of having Split Chapel as we normally do, we had a Bible Bowl. This week was based around Ephesians 6:10-18, which is all about the Armour of God. Thus, the Bible Bowl was all about Ephesians. Ephesians is my favorite book from the Bible. My girls beat out the other three girls cabins with a final score of 152 points for the week. That was the highest score from all the cabins. They competed against the winning boys cabin, and came in 2nd in over time. I was pleased.
My family group this year was a fun group of kids. For recreation, family groups, competed in the SMBC Olympics. My kids took home the gold. Once again, I was pleased.
Thursday night was our cabin party, and anyone who knows me knows I make those cabin parties count. We had ourselves a dance party, and since I am somewhat of a prankster, the other two female cabins were under attack. It got my girls out of their comfort zones and got them to loosen up. It was a good night.
I have to say my favorite part of the week happened on Friday. One of the girls from my cabin asked me to baptize her. Typically in the Church of Christ, women do not baptize people. However, I was given the opportunity to do it. It was my first baptism, and it was such an honor. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.
It was a good week and I got to share it with three of my little cousins (Moyra, Trey, and Lizzy), and with Rebecca and Melissa. It's hard to have a bad week with that group. I'm glad that Moyra and Lizzy talked me into coming home for the week. Just think of everything I would've missed out on had I not come.
Hands down, the best week of my summer.
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